


The Hazards of Gametime

by mnemosyne23



Category: Firefly, Serenity (2005)
Genre: Dialog Fic, F/M, Gen, Humor, IDK just crazy, crack!fic, sexiness gets out of control, silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-07
Updated: 2014-01-07
Packaged: 2018-01-07 20:31:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1124072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mnemosyne23/pseuds/mnemosyne23
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>River gets a little excitable with Jayne and needs Simon to bail her out.  Total crack!fic 3am almost-smut.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Hazards of Gametime

 "Simon, Simon, come, come!"

"River?  River, what happened!  What's wrong!"

"Simon, it's Jayne!"

"What?  What did that _hun dan_ do to you, _mei mei?"_

"Not to me!  Not to me, to HIM!"

"...What?"

"COME!"

And she drags him out of the infirmary by his ear.

 

\---------------

 

A few minutes later, as they stand in the doorway of River's passenger dorm....

" _Mei mei_ , why is Jayne passed out and naked in your bed?"

"Help him!" *shove*

"Help... why does he need help!"

"She is stronger than she thinks!"

"Did he try to force you?"

*glare/shove*  "HELP HIM."

"River, I'm confused.  I... please tell me what's going on?"

River rolls her eyes and stalks over to the bed.  "We were playing."

"Oh God... Do I want to hear this?"

"You asked."

*sigh*  "Carry on."

"We were playing a number game."

"...Yes?"

"He'd count, and I'd kiss him that many times, anywhere on his body."

*shudder*  "Oh God... I really DON'T want to hear this..."

"And we'd gotten to sixty-nine-"

"OH GOD."

"And the girl was feeling very joyful-"

*dry heave/swallow*

"-and in her stimulation she exceeded the pressure threshold of the average human male skull!"

"...I'm sorry, _mei mei,_ what was that last part?  I was busy trying not to vomit up last night's dinner."

"She knocked him unconscious with her thighs!"

"...."

*big eyes*

"...."

"Simon?"

"..."

"Simon, help him!"

"...You knocked him unconscious with your THIGHS?"

"The girl has very powerful legs."

"Jesus Christ, I guess you do."

"Blasphemer!"  *smack*

"Ow!  Don't hit me!"

"Help him!"

"Just dump some cold water on him and call it a day!"

*smack*  "You must check for brain damage!"

"River, quit hitting me!  I'm not checking for brain damage, because you might have strong legs, but you'd have to exert serious pressure for a good several minutes, restricting oxygen and blood flow for an extended period of time, before brain damage would set in."  
   
"..."

"Oh for crying out loud..."

"She was joyful!  Very, very joyful!"

"River, remind me to sit you down and discuss the do's and don'ts of responsible sexual practice after this, all right?"

*smack* "Help him!"

"Stop hitting me!  And why do you want me to check him for brain damage anyway?  Even if he has suffered any ill effects, it's not as if it would be noticeable to the average human being.  Maybe to dogs and certain members of the simian family-"

 *SMACK!*  
   
"OW!"

"Urrrrgh..."

"Jayne!  My Jayne!"

"Wannawhahappened?"

"She is sorry!  She is so, so sorry!  She did not realize the force exerted by her naked thighs would be enough to send her lover to the abyss!"

"Naked?  Wha'?  Where?"

*groan from Simon* "Oh God..." *covering eyes with hand*

"Are you feeling well, my Jayne?  Do you require an analgesic?  A warm compress?  Rugged animal sex?"

*dry heaving from the direction of the door*

"...Baby girl?"

"My Jayne?"

"...Did you knock me out?"

"Yes, my Jayne."

"With your _THIGHS?_ "  
   
"...yes."

 "...."

"..."

"...Gorram, I knew I loved you for more than just your brain."

 

 

**THE END**


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